06 Dec Ask Emilie: Man of Honour Issues(Last Updated On: 06/12/2018)
Welcome to Ask Emilie, here you can ask any question to our wedding planner Emilie. Emilie will answer your question no matter the topic. It can be about anything from styling, general wedding questions, cultural customs, planning, wedding budget and more. This week is talking with a bride who has man of honour issues.
Today’s question is from Kelly who asks:
Okay Em, I need advice. So a quick backstory; my best friend is a guy and we have been best friends since we were 12. Problem is that now he has this AWFUL girlfriend for the last five years. To make things worse, my ex-boyfriend cheated on me with this same girl, and we broke up because of her. Now she's dating my best friend! I do not like her at all, and I do NOT want this girl at my wedding. She treats my best friend like crap, and she slept with my ex. I want my best friend to be my man of honour but do not want her at the wedding. I feel it may break a friendship if I don't invite her but I really just don't want her there.
So if I have this right, your best friend who is a guy is dating someone who slept with your ex (as a result you broke up) and they have been together for the past five years. Well, that’s one messed up situation. Obviously, your best friend must mean a lot to you otherwise I can easily see this as a friendship deal breaker. Let us take a look and see if we can find a way to work through this.
Man of Honour Issues
Firstly its great that you have chosen to have a man of honour. While this role is traditionally for women if this is the right person for you (and happens to be a man) then go with it. I often tell couples who are getting married that it is their wedding and they can invite / not invite whomever they like. That said, sometimes it comes with repercussions. In your specific case, it can cost a friendship, a lifelong friendship. What makes it more complex is that she has been dating your best friend for the past five years. So you can not say she is not invited because it’s a new relationship as they have been dating so long they could be getting married themselves.
This is a little different as usually when it comes to man of honour issues its generally about the groom not being comfortable with it or that it is not traditional in that is should be a female maid of honour/matron of honour.
There are a few options available to potentially resolve this, so lets lay all the cards on the table and give you as many options as possible to work through this. The main question you will have to ask yourself before you tackle this is how much are you willing to bend to save this friendship? Is it worth it and/or will this other woman come to the table?
Talk With Him
Sit down with your best friend and have a long talk. While he would be fully aware of the situation, have a long, heartfelt discussion about how this woman makes you feel and what she did. While you may have gone through this with him in the past, this is your wedding day. It is about you and your fiancee getting married, and this is a major milestone in your life. Do you really want this woman in your wedding photos 20 years for now?
Talk With Her
Have a sit down with this woman and hash out all your differences. It may be painful, and you probably do not want to do this. However, it may need to come to this and while you do not like it, perhaps you could reach a compromise. Kind of like how divorced couples will come together for their child’s wedding but also keep a respectful distance from each other for the sake of their child’s wedding.
Only Invite Her To The Reception
I get it you don’t want her at your wedding but have you considered a compromise where she only comes to the reception? That way she will not be in any photos of the wedding ceremony.
Do Not Invite Her
This solution is available to you if you wanted to be flexible but in the end, it did not work out. If you do not want her at your wedding then its entirely your call. The truth is that this may break a friendship. You can not control who your friend falls in love, and it simply comes down to ‘life’. This decision on your friendship may weather the storm or may not, but it is a decision that will need to be made.
Man of Honour Issues – In Conclusion
Kelly, whatever happens, remembers the wedding day is about you and your future husband. Hopefully, your best friend will be understanding and your friendship will weather the storm. Whatever decision you make has to be right for you, it is your wedding and your life after all.
Did you have any maid of honour issues/man of honour issues while planning your wedding? Were you able to resolve them? Join the discussion and let us know in the comments below 🙂
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